Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
