what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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