I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
