There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We just shotgunned beers for America
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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