it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I skipped work to stalk him.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
