She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
