If i come over, it means nothing
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
