if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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