Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
