worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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