You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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