i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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