come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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