i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
