Nicole vs. Life
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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