you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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