Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
