one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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