How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
