In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I wear drunk well.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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