i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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