i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
