You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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