I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
