Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
nutella sex= disaster
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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