oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
