my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
