I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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