he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
