Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
