i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
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