Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
