You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
