My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
