cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
