I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
