Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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