I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
