I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
