it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
