You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
