Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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