is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just want nice things and good sex
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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