Whod you bang
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
