Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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