So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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