So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
