If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
