Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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