She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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