If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
