Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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