we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
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Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
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It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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