Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
