maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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