I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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