my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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