and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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