genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
